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Thanks!

Just a few lines to thank those who have encouraged me to continue writing. Thanks to the hundreds of people also his reading with me and with dedication and patience have taken the trouble to make comments. Actually I have not responded, but I will in a few days. All are important to me and thank everyone for their advice or just for your company . I really do not know them all, some of the chat , others for their posts, have given me encouragement to continue with this story. Thanks again and a big hug! I love them!

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... or is now or is it now! 3

spent Saturday, Sunday came, it ended on Sunday and Oskar was not anywhere. I resigned myself to having to go in search of someone who could be my partner. I went back to normal and the routine of my life and let or better, try to stop thinking about Oskar. It was the best and so ensure my peace. Among the many thoughts that assailed me was to know, which anyway would be more relaxed and not have to account for commitments to anyone. (That happens to me when I have to avoid something that haunts me) It was the easiest. There was not much complication. That Monday evening, I connect without much hope and making me the unsuspecting, look at the list of online contacts. And of course it was Oskar. Talk to some friends I was leaving, when bluff! Oskar appeared that both I waited. Haha, that's funny, so much waiting, so much anxiety and I when he was, there was little sense of joy. The cold and dry "Hello" and the conventional answer "Hello." Silence for several minutes .... Minutes were eternity eternity stretched, after 4 or 5 minutes of silence:
O: Hows this?
Y: Well, and you who ...
O: Maso, a little sick. I had tonsillitis and was hospitalized 3 days, but it happened and I'm recovering.
I felt terrible. Poor sick man and I just thought about my situation. Sure, it would not know, if I say so. The dialogue continued.
O. You know, I was thinking and would be very bacano (muy7 good) that we met.
Y: If I like a lot ... (I said more to comply, convinced that what he was saying)
O: I think it could be this week .. Or tell me when you can and see ...
Y: No, tell me which day suits you and so I organize my time.
O: For me the next Friday would be perfect because I have class in the afternoon and we could go eat Mime ice cream in the Pepe Sierra ..
Y: If I feel good ... On Friday? Tell me the time?
O: 2 and 30 pm, do you think?
Y: Ok, that's fine ... Anyway in the course of the week see if there is any problem for that day and earlier or later in the meeting ... Agree?
O: It is OK ...
speak two or three things without much importance and said goodbye, commitment to talk again the next day. I felt happiness. I do not deny. But the ghosts of fear and insecurity over me. For the first time in my life was about to confront my reality, my homosexuality. There was no escape. Had pledged my word and complying. I do not know to what extent my inner strength would attend that meeting, some would say, the great gate of repression is about to yield. All the pent-up emotions are about to leave. And the big moment is coming definitions. Forward

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That night I could not sleep. My thoughts went and returned. Wanted and did not want to know more about Oskar. But this naughty Oskar would have done for me and the fantasy back in without so would be to hand a picture your face. I imagined him thousands shapes and features, tall, skinny, lanky (no grace) or even beautiful, athletic, pintoso (good looks). Common wild (low) but independent of its physical packaging, if I had something I had stopped engaging. I knew about it (writing) and I had left entangled by his words and his way of being. When you can not sleep well at night are timeless and look at the clock and lack and lack time for sunrise and take a lot more to come out in daylight. And I was. Desperately waiting for the dawn, the first rays of the sun, why? He did not know that, but I was desperate to bed. I was heat, gave me trouble, I did everything but sleep. One reason I was in permanent shocks, Oskar. Oskar but did not know where he lived, or your phone, no nothing.
Finally, I estimate that at 4 in the morning I picked up my sleep. A dream from deep and anxious. But finally sleep. I slept until 12 days (it was Saturday) and could rest. On Saturday and Sunday is not wise to connect to internet because my house to get my parents' siblings (uncles) and must be with them and sometimes their sons (cousins) and to avoid suspicions rather not do so. But it was unthinkable that were to elapse and a weekend I do not know anything about Oskar. Could not be. In the afternoon on Saturday to reach an Internet cafe and in less than a minute, I was referring to my email and my MSN (for those of the messages sent to offline contacts) but oh the slightest disappointment or hint of Oskar. Disappointing.

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Oskar Oskar Oskar 2

But in these cases the illusions, do not forget. Desires, do not want to be repressed and the expectations they want to be fulfilled. So, I went for an appointment, which was not scheduled, waiting anxiously for Oskar appeared, through a blue window, which miraculously emerge from the left end screen. It took several minutes, which is tedious wait, when uncertainty is home to us. There was no sign of life of Oskar. Oskar Oskar small, where the hell are you? Thought, as I walked away disappointed from my computer. I had time to think, it makes little sense to wait for someone he did not know and neither do I know of where appropriate. I got to my academic work and I forget for five eternal minutes, Oskar and all his false story. False because for me was losing all credibility and the fact that only two sessions of MSN had told me many things and she can not prove anything. They even bothered to log on and say .. Hello, today I can not speak, other day we or do not want to know more about you and bye ... but did not appear anywhere. That big disappointment. Turn off the computer and amused myself with other things, but not out of my mind who for some reason, I had marked and inoculated was already in me. To avoid falling back into the temptation to go online and take a greater disappointment I read an interesting book by Leo Buscaglia and a poem that really filled me with peace ...


EFFORTS NEEDED LOVE Love does

died due to causes for negligence and abandono.Muere naturales.Muere of blindness and indifference and because they take it for granted.
Omissions are generally more severe than cometidos.Finalmente errors, love dies of weariness, because it's not to love alimenta.No leave because if, in the same way because if we fall in love.
When love dies, it is because one or both lovers neglected it, not fueled or renewed.
Like any other living thing, love requires effort to keep it healthy.

That wise "Love requires effort" and are shared efforts.
Where do I go? What is happening to me? Oskar I'm in love? It seems so. I fell in love without knowing. Just for a couple of sessions of MSN. Que Locura! Love silently again and the idealized figure of someone. I do not know what happened, but Oskar it was a necessity for me. Or stupidity. Rather ...

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Internet

The first time we talked on the chat, I think it was the typical conversation, description, tastes, music, food, experiences and a few feverish notes hehe. But as almost always happened to me, never I have no illusions to people who connect to the chat. First, because they are looking for what I said or second are seeking someone with web camera (I have none) to have sexual fun for a while (very flashy but it is still something very fleeting and only serves to placate the hormones that are sometimes disturbed). For these reasons I thought it was going to keep going as usual. Also note that on MSN, my contacts, reached the record figure of 325, of which I have spoken with each of them a first time, but then they disappeared like ghosts and never find them again online, to be reduced to about 15 with whom they regularly keep a conversation. Therefore Oskar thought I still dressed in the same line routine that I always carry my relationship with my internet acquaintances. The next day, at the same time again and already logged Oskar were talking about things less trivial: their studies, their families, their aspirations, their future, their love affair between hetero-bis-homosexual and its belief that it was defined as a man who passionately sought and wanted to be with men (what a coincidence) against the traditional precepts of our families. This is how we both were undressing one another, in all the frustrations and repressed desires and found we had many things in common. Of course, that in a long chat conversation is much to discover and analyze, so we met the next day at the same time, to continue to develop our scheme of mutual understanding. The day came and spent the time and Oskar, showed no signs of life. Not connected, did not comment, said nothing. I was right, seeing that again, that he had died in the attempt. What to do? What thinking? How to react? Played only wait until the next day or just save it as a souvenir in an envelope and throw it into oblivion.

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never reach me think that the internet would be of much use in my knowledge of life and strengthening my habits and tendencies. When I agreed for the first time could not understand how to use it on my own behalf. Was limited only to see some of my homework and that other concerns at that time had, but I could not to transcend beyond what I could think at that time. And it was not start listening to my friends at school about what they did for internet and a few days to understand why many people were hooked on this communication system. Of my colleagues learned that the Internet could be watching porn, but porn all dimensions, sizes and classes. So what my imagination could not fit, was on the internet. Thousands of categories to describe what people want to do sexually, half met. The mail, MSN, chat seemed like the latest wonder. The music and video programs. Knowing that you could download popular songs or movies of recent Release on the card. Being able to read newspapers or listen to the radio from remote locations with music selections of the best quality. But certainly what struck me most was the internet to find a corner to fully understand the expression of my sexuality: I read the first blogs, written by young people, who experienced exactly the same as me, in terms of preferences, ie as I had hundreds of people who felt the same boiling house their hormones. I read, too, erotic stories that I showed in all its glory sex between persons of the same gender. I learned and became convinced that the act of masturbation, did not cause insanity, impotence or physical signs that could point me to the society, who was a fervent practitioner of this "discipline." For the first time I saw an erect penis, which immediately took me to run, "discipline" named above. I found many pages, in which there was discussion forums about all our problems preteen-sexconfundida and got my first light of acceptance of my condition. I was definitely a wonder to let me understand a lot, much of what happened to me. Before starting this blog, I attempted to write a few love stories and other erotic tendency, depicting all of my fantasies with my friends of course or near my family, but for obvious reasons, always ended in the ashes, to leave no trace of their existence and prevent them falling into hands that could be used to discover the great veil that covered my in terms of my personality and my tastes. By following this path of Internet users happy, I started to find people like me who were searching for explanations to our confused and contradictory situation. Some, with very clear intentions for sexual favors, harvested from my limited experience, others are not that kind of interest, but I do not inspire confidence. I never could understand why someone with whom to converts the first time now, we are asking for the number of your phone or mobile home, these people immediately and will produce insecurity me lose confidence. Suddenly, and as a result of these writings, came a person who was interested (like many others, I have written and some with which we could talk through MSN, from as far afield as Mexico, Guatemala, Honduras, Argentina, USA , Canada, Spain, Australia and also from here in Colombia) and started talking one afternoon less than 20 days. His name is Oskar is 17, also from Bogotá and has had the same experiences I've had with men (virtually no haha) and mental clarity impressive entry that radiates me security and satisfaction and peace of mind for our gay dual conch in our thoughts.

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Well, again here and in the idea of \u200b\u200bgiving some continuity to this short sequence of events that day by day, hour by hour and moment by time, mark my life and have been crucial in my social development. Unfortunately
man has been defined as a social being by nature and as such has to meet its commitments and responsibilities in an environment that he has not chosen but has to be developed and navigate the, most often against their will. And one of the parties to which man is seen standing by a company like ours is on sexual orientation. What does not sound "normal" socially is scrutinized in a ruthless and merciless to those around us. Sometimes the situation is so desperate that you understand one reason why many have not ventured out of the enclosure (.. of course I do not) to avoid as much bad press comment and is usually done with people like me and many others, we have chosen alternative sexual. No reason is understandable because the whole society seems so interested in what you are. No one should care if I have bride or groom: If you live alone or accompanied, if my parents know or not know, if my brother is going or coming. One should go through life free of ties, labels and prejudgment. If I like it, then let them enjoy it. If my friend does not like bad my friend, but let him comfortable with what you like.
I'm getting to that point in preguntadera on girlfriends, I is coming up above the head and on several occasions I have felt the urge to send them all to hell ! Too bad, no one is exempt! From closest to the little-known. Who should care, about the issue? For only me. No one else. But they all feel entitled to intervene in my life, but forget that my life belongs to me and anyone else and should respect what I believe, I think, do, want or not. I hope not finished exploiting aggressive, when someone new, re-emphasized the mime subject .... PD
Sorry but I needed this relief!!

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INTERVIEW OF THE COMMUNIST PARTY OF THE HANDLING OF ISRAEL

Nafa'h Interview with Muhammad, Secretary General Communist Party of Israel
"Support the struggle for Palestinian Self is the duty of the Israeli Communist"
Efraim Davidi / Gema Delgado / February 2009
The Communist Party of Israel and against Hadash (Democratic Front for Peace and Equality) were the only political forces in that country that faced the slaughter perpetrated by the IDF, Israeli armed forces, last January in the Gaza Strip. Unfortunately, the "mainstream media" has not reflected the magnitude of the protest against the war within the State of Israel. A large demonstration in the town of Sakhnin on the initiative of the High Representative Committee Palestinian Arab population in Israel, unleashed a week after the criminal offense with the participation of 130,000 protesters and made the other day in the city of Tel Aviv, with 20,000 protesters, many of whom wore the red flag, show the massive mobilization that did not stop at all the Middle Eastern country during those three weeks.

Workers World interviewed the Secretary General of the PCI, the writer Muhammad Nafa'h, originally from the Druze village of Beit Jan, in order to make known the positions of the Israeli Communist. The interview was conducted in the local supporters in the city of Haifa on the last day of January, thanks to the collaboration of Efraim Davidi.
The Communist Party of Israel celebrates its 90 anniversary this year. Previously, the Palestinian Communist Party, since the end of the decade of 40 of the last century was the cradle of three organizations: the Palestinian People's Party and the Communist parties Jordanian and Israeli.
The PCI has a parliamentary fraction of three deputies in the Knesset (Israeli parliament), mayors, including the "Arab capital" of Israel, the city of Nazareth where he governs from 32 years ago. It also has a significant presence and student union.
In the last municipal elections in November, the Communist deputy Dov Khenin added 36% of the votes in the city of Tel-Aviv against Labour mayor who received 51%. The PCI, Marxist-Leninist, is the only one in Israel where Jews and Arabs indiscriminate military and morning newspaper publishes the only communist in Arabic in the Middle East: "Al ITIJ" (Unity) and a weekly Hebrew: " Haderej Zu "(El Camino).
Workers World: From December 28, the Communist Party has called for nationwide demonstrations against the Israeli military aggression on the Gaza Strip What is the Israeli Communist Party's position on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict? Muhammad
Nafa'h: Our party claims since 1947 the position of "two states for two peoples" and supports the right to self-determination of the Palestinian people. Ie the right of Palestinians to a free and sovereign in the territories occupied by Israel in June 1967 with East Jerusalem as its capital. We also demand the dismantling of Jewish settlements in the territories and the settlement of the Palestinian refugee issue, consistent with United Nations resolutions.
MO: And on the situation in the West Bank and the "wall of shame"?
MN: Israel must withdraw to the cease-fire lines prior to the June 67 war and dismantle the wall that we call in Hebrew and Arabic: the wall of apartheid
MO: How do you coordinate work denouncing the aggression on the Palestinian people in Gaza this case, social movements, peace and universities?
MN: On the one hand trying to establish the broadest possible alliances, it is clear that not only the Communists are opposed to the occupation Israeli. Second, trying to coordinate protest in the streets, political activities of awareness and solidarity "Practice" sent clothes, food and assistance. The fact that the demonstrations have been detained over 700 people from Nazareth and Haifa in the north to Beer-Sheva in the Negev desert, shows that many people have been touched by so much death and disaster. Finally, note that act in coordination with Palestinian leftist forces. Traditionally the Palestinian community, but day before the attack, and knowing that was coming, we gathered in the city of Ramallah with leaders of the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine, Democratic Front for the Liberation of Palestine and the People's Party (communist) to join forces. We held discussions with them again the day after the Israeli withdrawal
MO: How could I explain to foreigners that over 70% of the population support or justify Israeli military attacks on Gaza that have killed more than 1,300 Palestinians , 90% civilians by some humanitarian organizations?
MN: Unfortunately a large part of the Israeli population has been misled by false propaganda that defined the colonial war held in Gaza as a "self-defense action." This contributed censorship and self-censorship of local media. Viewers in Israel did not see on their screens the horrific scenes he saw a resident of Madrid or Barcelona every night. Moreover, the Hamas political adventurer and repeated provocations also contributed to making the civilian population of southern Israel, mostly poor, victims of the rockets out of Gaza. Many times we have said we support the struggle against occupation, and political mass struggle of the Palestinians, but we condemn the attacks on civilian populations on both sides of the border. We're back again and again repeated that there is no military solution to the Palestinian problem, only a solution that passes through the End the occupation and the creation of a Palestinian state. This position we have expressed before, during and after the criminal attack in January.
MO, in 2003 sought to end the life of the former secretary general, Issam Makhoul, placing a bomb under his car but miraculously saved his life. Why they wanted to kill him? In what situation they live the "enemies" of Zionist policy in the State of Israel?
MN: It's no secret that the democratic spaces in Israel are threatened both from government and from far-right groups, officially "control", but everyone knows who's going. During protests of recent weeks have been arrested over 700 protesters, some remain behind bars until the trials begin. Right-wing groups attacked our events causing injuries, under the gaze "distracted" by the police. With the war has unleashed a true racist campaign against the Arab population under the leadership of the party chauvinistic "Israel Our Home" (Israel is our home) the racist Yvette Lieberman. So there is a real danger of fascist movement of Israeli society whose first victims are the Palestinian Arab national minority and leftist sectors accordingly.
MO: Do you maintain contacts with Jews Communists who live outside the country and share a position of opposition to the Israeli war policy against the Palestinian people?
MN: Our party is not claimed "Jew" or "Arab." Ours is a class party that does not distinguish ethnicity or religion. With all maintain close relationships with activists and progressive Jewish organizations and peace in Europe, Latin America, North America and Australia. The Israeli leadership is to galvanize the Jewish communities around the world in their positions colonialists, but there are large Jewish sectors, organizations and individuals who disagree with this position and to fight this policy. Not all Jews are Zionists, or the world even in Israel.
MO: What are relations with the communist parties in Palestine, Syria, Iraq, Egypt, Turkey, Lebanon, Jordan?
MN: Our party has close and frequent relations with the communist and workers parties of the Middle East. Primarily with the Palestinian community, with whom we work closely from the beginning of the occupation in 1967, providing all kinds of material and political support. Do not forget that supporting the struggle for self determination of the Palestinian people is a duty Israeli internationalist communists. We maintain relationships with the party also Iranian Tudeh and last year published a joint statement by the Communists in the U.S., Iran and Israel warning that an attack on Iran would lead the region into a tragedy of major consequences. The communists of the Middle East meet at least once a year.
MO: What are the objectives the government hides behind the attack on Gaza and what relation does this show of force with the Israeli general elections in February?
MN: The Israeli government tried to deal a blow to Hamas, but what I got was to convert all Palestinians in Gaza, particularly the civilian victims. The goal is clear: to try to deepen the division, which is unfortunate-between mainstream Palestinian factions to postpone the creation of an independent state. Since the government Kadima and Labour parties are those who believed that the colonial war would bring some political mileage in the forthcoming elections. But the only beneficiaries have been the parties of the extreme racist right.
MO: What are the main items on its agenda before the election?
MN: When we began the parliamentary election campaign, after completion of municipal elections in November 2008 that we could present a program it would call the "counter" anti-capitalist, anti-occupation, anti-privatization, anti-globalization, anti-racist and the rights of working men and women, equality of the Arab population of Israel, for a healthy environment for the rights gays and lesbians. In this program we call "a new socialist agenda" to Israel. But with the January criminal war and its terrible consequences we had to leave as planned and invest all our resources, which are many, and materials that are thin in the fight against war and its domestic consequences, particularly racism and fascism. Anyway we know that capitalism engenders occupation, oppression and racism. And in front of the international capitalist crisis, which is hitting Israeli workers, the next government is elected will enjoy a short period in power. This will result from the multiple crises that beset Israel, the crisis of the occupation, the capitalist crisis, the crisis of political leadership with their bribes and kickbacks, the ideological crisis of Zionism. All these situations provide a new period of social and class struggles and new resistance to the occupation. Many young people look to the Communist Party and understand that we mark a road and a real option to the crisis and the multiple crises. We very concerned about this, but we assume our firm commitment to the future. This will be a future of peace and social justice.

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